Today is the 'big day'(our Talent Show) - the culmination activity of our Foundation Day. It's somehow a competition between the different courses in each batch of our college.

The preparation was good. Unexpectedly actually, we were able to work together as one block (PT's in our college is divided into two blocks initially and by the time we step into CAMP, that is now, in our third year). I was just one of the props people (short for ayaw magperform, ayaw makita sa stage at ayaw magaattend ng mga practice). I made it clear to my classmates and I think they already understood that I'm not really the performer type.

But, I guess it became known that I know how to play the piano so they asked me to record two of the songs they would perform. I immediately said yes, since I had a copy of the pieces they want me to play. But they changed their mind and rather asked me to play live. I was really hesitant, because I know I have a tendency to get really nervous and might ruin the part assigned to me. I still said yes, primarily because nahihiya ako to say no to them. They were giving their best, their time, effort and siyempre, I know what their asking of me is so little compared with what they've already done,and ika nga you have to do it for your classmates.

Another reason is I think its about time that I make use of what I've learned. Before, I only play the piano at my house and during recitals. But I don't really like playing in front of the people. My nervousness overcomes the 'fun' of playing. As usual, I'm afraid to make mistakes and my focus to be distrupted. I thought I've overcome this feeling. I thought I won't feel any regret in playing. I am thinking, its about time to feel confident darling.

So, the talent show. I can say the our presentation was ok. It's well planned and structured but it's not something to 'wow' about. I played and I made some mistakes (fortunately, not big enough to distrupt the flow of the presentation). I felt euphoric after the show. At least for a while.

But then my weakness again dominated. Minutes after, some of my blockmates talked about our show. It's ok lang din pero siympre its not too good and we got to talk about what went wrong (they didn't speak anything about my playing,, of course). I also think, nobody in the audience appreciated what we've done. [Its a well known fact that our batch has a conflict with the higher batches since we are not the 'sociable', activity oriented batch. They say we don't cooperate with their activities and hence, as their revenge, they wont support or help in anything we do. That's no problem with us actually. I know its our fault, and as for myself, its really my nature to be 'uncooperative'(if thats what they call it) in terms of activities]. No much clapping, except those from our OT batchmates. No moral support. I felt bad.

Minutes before, I was one of the pasimunos who invited my classmates to eat dinner. I was more active then. But towards the end of the show. Nawawalan na ako ng gana. I really wanted to just forget this day. I hoped we didn't join nalang. I hope I didn't play. I hope I just went home immediately so I won't hear the people's conversation about the presentation. I hope I didn't expect, even just a little, that we would win at least any special award. I hoped kat, honey and karen were there. I hope my friends were there to at least help me rebuild my ego (At school, I click with all my blockmates but their the closest, yup, we're the block foursome) I hoped I didn't let them go to divi and just begged them to stay with me (I thought kse, at least ate kat would come, eh.. pero hindi.. I can't get mad naman. Siguro ngayon nagtatampo kasi I really need someone that I can say what I feel at that moment.. I know she has a reason). I hoped everthing was just normal, that We didn't give more than what we gave before. I hoped I didn't have the idea that we could make them feel na, o ayan, nagparticipate na kami, sana we made you happy. Pero wala. In short I'm regreting. So typically me.

I thought I've graduated from this too. Everytime I face people, I think I always do things that I feel very embarassed. When I present, laging nakakahiya ako.And then I begin to notice faults na hindi naman talga faults sa totoong buhay. I hate myself for this. I really feel low pero siyempre you can't say this naman to people kse madadamay pa sila sa kagagahan ko. Yup, I hate presentations, I hate talking in front of people. I hate being noticed because I might react negatively. I hate being praised because I feel I don't really deserve it, that they're just deceived by that instance.

For the praising thing, I develop a defense mechanism. Kung ok lang, I say thank you, pero kung feel ko I dont deserve the compliment, I exaggerate the thought like when they say 'ang ganda naman', ill say 'oo ngapedeng palitan ang isang monument' in a joking manner -- siympre they'll laugh nalang and forget about what they say. Eh di tapos.

Gosh, I don't know why tears are falling from my eyes. I don't really feel good. I just hate it when I do something big. It's like, its too much for me. It's night right for me.

I know its bad but I guess I'm really happier when everything's really normal. It's easier to handle. Boring yes. Always naman eh. Pero less problems. More regrets siguro because of the things you haven't done. Walang iintindihin.

Did I mention that I think I'll be happy being just a plain housewife and maybe do little business just to help my hubby? Simple Life. With my husband. With my kids. That's enough.

Ewan. I'm really really tired. Daling araw na. Tapos na ang fantasy. Tapos na ang CAMP foundation week. Totohanang lectures na. NO excuses. ... ano ba yan... andami paring thoughts na di ko na maorganize.... may formal debut pa akong aatendan bukas. Ano ba ito. I hope I'll feel better bukas. Sana makaaral din ako kahit konti.